Smile Lines
The new vicar was taking his first service, and determined to make a good impression. The congregation sat spellbound throughout the eloquent sermon and the extended intercessions, which seemed to cover the whole category of human wants.
After the service one church member asked another in awe: "Don't you think our new vicar prays well? "I most certainly do," came the answer. "Why that man asked the good Lord for things that our old vicar didn't even know He had!"
The little boy was saying his go-to-bed prayers in a very low voice. "I can't hear you, dear," his mother whispered. "Wasn't talking to you," said the small one firmly.
A little boy had been very naughty and as a punishment his mother told him he would go without his favourite vegetable. He sat down for a meal, his mother served, carrots, corn, - - and ? "It's no use waiting," said his mother, " I told you, no peas for the wicked"
A man living in the African bush was finally persuaded to go and see an inganga (a witch doctor) The old man examined the man, threw some bones and then produced an old strip of leather. "Eat some of the strip each day" The man duly followed the instructions but he still felt ill. He went back to the witch doctor and said, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on !"
With summer holidays approaching....
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? And why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Motoring holiday
Lost Husband: Where are we now? Wife: Halfway between Paris and Marseilles, dear. Husband: Don't bother me with details. What country are we in?
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. - Ronnie Corbett
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Some of the great whys and wherefores of life
Why are buildings called buildings when they are finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is it that when you tell a man there are 400 billion stars he will believe you, but when you tell him there's wet paint he has to touch it?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What do you call a male ladybird?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
If your supermarket is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
